Coping With Guilt After the Death of a Loved One
Hi Frank, you are certainly remembered (with great fondness and as being someone who has given a great deal of himself here – you've certainly helped me before). And it is good to see you back.
I am sorry for your loss; the grieving process itself is difficult without adding the guilt you mention to it. As you know, I'm no expert so I'll just say what comes to mind OK? (And hope it is of some help or comfort).
Guilt is an albatross around our necks (at least it is for me; it keeps me from moving on, even with the process of grieving). I don't think it's an albatross we need to carry (which is not to say I don't need help in putting it down myself). We may regret our past actions, or wish we had done something differently, but that's not the same as being weighed down by guilt. Saying "don't feel guilty" would be both ridiculous and dismissive of your feelings, and I certainly do not want to do the later (I've been known to be ridiculous and can live with that……).
So some thoughts, experiences……
Maybe, instead of beating yourself up with guilt, you might try turning the corner on it a little by telling yourself, (and out loud if it helps), "I did the best I could at the time." Perhaps I wish I had done better, perhaps knowing what I know now I would do better today, BUT AT THE TIME, I DID THE BEST I COULD. And all we can ask of ourselves, or anybody else, is that we/they do the best we/they can. And doing the best we can at any given time, even if later we know or wish we could have done better, is pretty damn good!!
And maybe ask youself, "does my Aunt understand how I feel, and that I did the best I could, and would do even better today?" I'll bet she's looking down and she knows that and knows you love her. And maybe that's the most important part. And maybe ask yourself, "is my Aunt looking down at me with forgiveness and love?" You describe her (in another thread maybe?) as essentially being your mother (I can relate to having someone who is not your biological mother or father being your mother father in every sense of the word). Just my opinion Frank? You bet your booties that someone who had the love in her heart to take you in as a mother, and give you that sort of love, is JUST the kind of soul who looks down upon you with both forgiveness and that same love. (I'll double that bet by saying that IMHO it's more than likely that she forgave you a long time ago and never stopped loving you).
Which brings us full circle to forgiving yourself Frank. Putting down the stick you are beating yourself up with. I know it's not easy or simple, and that it's a process (because I've done plenty of self-headbashing myself and there are still things I need to work on forgiving myself for) – but IMHO Frank, that's the key to the lock. IMHO someone with the heart of your aunt forgives and loves you; and it is in forgiving yourself that you will be able to "take that in." At least that's been my experience with a few things.
I hope something in there is helpful. Let me know. Glad to talk. And I'm glad you're back.
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